4 years later.. (not a good blogger)

It is February, 2016 and my son has gone through many changes since I last updated this blog. For some unknown reason out of the blue in November 2014, he came up out of the basement, said he wanted to get a job, get his license renewed, get an apartment! We were like. "Great idea!"  Since that time he has had 4 jobs. The first one working in a pizza place making pizza went ok for a little while.He ended up leaving. Then he worked at a Country Club in the kitchen. He had a ride a bike quite a distance and that was such a change to acually see him exercise. He was getting fitter and seemed happy. After 2 months he quit saying he needed some place closer. This was true, but kind of a shock nonetheless. It seemed he slept for a month. We felt like maybe keeping himself stable in public and the job itself really were hard on him.  He then looked for a very long time and got a Christmas seasonal job in October working in the back. This was his biggest success. He was quite reliable, proud of his work, we let him take his driver's test which he passed and he was now able to drive to work. It appeared he made some "friends" at least people to take breaks with and talk to when he was waiting for a ride. THAT is quite a milestone.

For the 2nd year in a row, he took part in Thanksgiving and Christmas. He gave my husband and I Christmas gifts of shampoo. First gifts since he got sick 7 years before! Why is this all happening? Not a clue. He is "out of practice" in social setting and tries really hard to converse. It's sad because the things most people talk about are not things he is experiencing. For example, he doesn't watch sports, go to movies, read books. He works and plays video games. It doesn't seem like much of a life. I feel alternately guilty, sad, sorrowful it will not improve, jealous of friends and their kids, really angry at family who do not even ask about him and just plain sorry for myself and him. It's really hard to have to continue to parent a 29 year old, sometimes as you would a 4 year old.

ideas to help

8/24   lots of time to think now as my daughter is now all moved in and ready to start her sophomore year. i have to get busy. I keep thinking that I would like to get involved in some way to help people who's families have a mental illness. I would like to be like a support person for them. I had people from NAMI who were there for me and it really meant alot. I am not sure how to go about this really. I suppose I could go to the university and see if they have volunteers help in their mental illness area. Maybe NetCare. This man named Jonny Imerman started a nonprofit helping people with cancer after 2 survived it twice. It is really a great thing that he did.

conversation

Today is the first time my son has talked to me in 4 days. I was loading clothes into the washer and he handed me a new soap to use, explaining that it doesn't have a fragrance. The smell of cleaning products bother him and I try not to use strong smelling ones although sometimes I just don't think about it. Next when I started cleaning the kitchen, he put a pillow in the cat door, blocking it --again fragrance related. He came upstairs and kind of hovered around the edge of the room for quite some time. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me and he said no, so I kept working. I was thinking about what I had to do in the next few days getting my daughter ready to leave for college. I decided to explain to my son that there would be some changes in the house (her stuff all over the living room, etc..) in the next week plus that she would be moving. When I said this he perked up and started asking me questions about it. This didn't really surprise me as he and I have had discussions about her college experiences in the past and he shared some of his with me quite clearly. He wanted to know when she made the decision to switch to this school (she transferred) which surprised me that he seemed not to know about it. The decision was made probably in April. I talked to him about her hopes at the new school regarding her major, club soccer, and possibly joining a sorority. He stood there for 10 minutes interacting, then picked up a cat and started to walk back downstairs. I suggested that he might like to go with us at some point to see this new school as I don't believe he has ever been there. He stopped, looked at me and said he might, then walked down the stairs. A good day.

Daughter going back to school

8/16  I feel kinda scattered today. We are getting my daughter ready to go back to college. There are many steps to go through first. She has an eating plan before she leaves that includes going to her favorite restaurants one more time before she leaves on Monday. We end up going to lunch and having a great time. Check. Then- comes sorting through her clothes, deciding on what she will take for her sophomore year (and what to wash). In some ways this is so much easier as it is her 2nd year and we know many of the mistakes you can make in what you take to school (like 150 tshirts). I have 2 bras, she must have 20. REALLY? Anyway, going through clothes means her departure is near which of course makes me sick to my stomach. She is so full of life and brings such JOY into a house that can be so,  full of shadows and fear and confusion. I want to love life like she does!

It gets so lonely when she is gone and the house is silent except for my son's pounding music from the tv or video games.  When she is not here I stupidly tend to hunker down and almost get agoraphobic. I will go 3 days without leaving the house at which point I am ready to just explode. 

Obviously not healthy. I am trying to turn over a new leaf by committing to an exercise plan. That "C" word of course can be the kiss of death for me. 

The way she now deals with her brother is by basically ignoring it unless she is home where they usually only interact by yelling. She feels that talking to a counselor or others means we are wallowing in his illness. I feel that talking about it helps me and educates whoever I talk to. It is the only way I advocate for him. I worry alot about her not sharing more, but she flat out refuses. Maybe THAT is why she can seem so carefree. (or maybe it is just that she is a kid) I cannot force her. Maybe it will be ok as she does talk to me and I also share with her. I hope that is enough. Honestly if something were to happen to her, I would die. I     would     die. It is like my son is dead already as he is certainly not here in my house. I say to myself that he is like a shadow son as he looks like my son  and talks like my son sometimes, but is not him anymore when he asks questions like if we can drive to Hawaii or he throws a chicken package into the flower bed to get it out of the kitchen as it smelled bad. Sigh. He is actually someone who looks like him plus 80 pounds, who smokes, swears, showers once a week, brushes his teeth every now and then and lives in my basement surrounded by his trash and laughs hystrically at nothing every so many minutes. 

On to the next thing on the college checklist..

On cats

8/15 My first day on this blog that hopefully will allow me to grow and learn about life. I don't know so much about helping my son handle his Schizophrenia. I don't know how to separate my life from his. Sadness is deep and wide, and i think it can swallow me. It has been 5 years since  I went to pick him up at college on the last week of his spring semester. I guess he had had a psychotic break? Maybe just a slow degeneration of thought that I look back and believe now started with paranoia about the people around him. May 1, 2007 This is the official day that life changed as we know it. It seemed like it happened with no warning. One minute we were "normal" family. You know what I mean. We had issues as all families do, but we were "good" with a great daughter in high school who just LOVED life and a brilliant son on scholarship at a fantastic college living the dream. Then BAM-CRASH/ cue the DARKNESS...(if this were a movie)..life changed. I want to be really dramatic and say it was like a tsunami, a hurricane, an apocalypse. It was all of those things and more in the ways our lives have changed. In the way I think of the world, the future. Think about it. 1 minute you have a brilliant son who is going to be a researcher on Evolutionary Psychology in an academic setting. One who has connections with an amazing prof/publisher at Harvard. Such a gifted incredible son. A child that had challenged us his whole life. The writing of this is heartbreaking. This beloved child is gone. I want to stop crying. I want my life back. I want to find joy again. I want to be able to be a good parent and example to my daughter. The only thing I can say today that is positive is that CATS HELP!