8/16 I feel kinda scattered today. We are getting my daughter ready to go back to college. There are many steps to go through first. She has an eating plan before she leaves that includes going to her favorite restaurants one more time before she leaves on Monday. We end up going to lunch and having a great time. Check. Then- comes sorting through her clothes, deciding on what she will take for her sophomore year (and what to wash). In some ways this is so much easier as it is her 2nd year and we know many of the mistakes you can make in what you take to school (like 150 tshirts). I have 2 bras, she must have 20. REALLY? Anyway, going through clothes means her departure is near which of course makes me sick to my stomach. She is so full of life and brings such JOY into a house that can be so, full of shadows and fear and confusion. I want to love life like she does!
It gets so lonely when she is gone and the house is silent except for my son's pounding music from the tv or video games. When she is not here I stupidly tend to hunker down and almost get agoraphobic. I will go 3 days without leaving the house at which point I am ready to just explode.
Obviously not healthy. I am trying to turn over a new leaf by committing to an exercise plan. That "C" word of course can be the kiss of death for me.
The way she now deals with her brother is by basically ignoring it unless she is home where they usually only interact by yelling. She feels that talking to a counselor or others means we are wallowing in his illness. I feel that talking about it helps me and educates whoever I talk to. It is the only way I advocate for him. I worry alot about her not sharing more, but she flat out refuses. Maybe THAT is why she can seem so carefree. (or maybe it is just that she is a kid) I cannot force her. Maybe it will be ok as she does talk to me and I also share with her. I hope that is enough. Honestly if something were to happen to her, I would die. I would die. It is like my son is dead already as he is certainly not here in my house. I say to myself that he is like a shadow son as he looks like my son and talks like my son sometimes, but is not him anymore when he asks questions like if we can drive to Hawaii or he throws a chicken package into the flower bed to get it out of the kitchen as it smelled bad. Sigh. He is actually someone who looks like him plus 80 pounds, who smokes, swears, showers once a week, brushes his teeth every now and then and lives in my basement surrounded by his trash and laughs hystrically at nothing every so many minutes.
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